Swingset Chain: On The Way To Her Smile
by Rebecca Pierce
Summary: We all have a breaking point, whether we like it or not. He reached his, didn't he Tifa? But. . . when will you reach yours?


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Tifa, or Cloud, or Vincent. Oh well, better luck next time, right? Lol. Neither do I own "Swingset Chain" a wonderful song by Loquat you should all check out sometime.

**A/N: **Wow this is long. XD I honestly didn't expect it to come out this way. If you guys make it to the bottom and don't hate me by then, kudos to you! Lol. This is set after the game, before Advent Children, Dirge of Cerberus, and even before Denzel came into their lives- about half a year after ff7 to be exact.

The title is a play on the two written records that happened before Advent children, after the game (On the Way to A Smile). Check those out sometime. They explain Denzel's background and some other little tidbits on Tifa as well.

Well, I wrote this because I see a lot of stuff where Cloud has his breaking point and he just gives up. Fair enough, right? But what about Tifa? When was her breaking point? Because let's face it, she can't keep smiling like that without wavering.

So this is how I figured her breaking point would be.

* * *

**Swingset Chain: On The Way To Her Smile** _

* * *

_

_There's a playground that we used to run on. _

_The penny-drop that broke her arm, _

_The monkey bars that you fell from, _

_The swingset chain that stuck with my tongue. _

_It's thirty below and we're far gone. _

_If you plant yourself here I wouldn't miss you for long. _

_But then comes the day when you leave town . . . _

_I'm back to the way I was when you weren't around._

* * *

You know, yesterday, I went back to where Nibelheim used to be. 

Yes Cloud, our home.

Yuffie and Nanaki tried to not let me out (for once he and Yuffie agreed on something-too bad you missed it). Barret says that I'm stupid. Cait Sith agreed. Cid said that I'm "an effing moron", and Vincent . . .

Oh Vincent . . .

"_When do you want to leave?"_

We packed up and left that night.

* * *

_If you want to know what that was like_

_I'll tell you first, it was way too quiet._

_It rained a hundred nineteen days of the year . . . _

_I spent my time falling down the stairs._

_I know I can't tie you to a leash_

_But something tells me you'd go further than Greece._

_And then I'll have to figure out what to do . . ._

_I'm kind of afraid I'm co-dependent on you.

* * *

_

It's so scary looking at all the people that live there now.

They look so happy, running around our town. It makes me sick seeing them so carefree. Kind of makes me want to resurrect Sephiroth just to burn this place to the ground again; maybe even to feel the fear and despair that I became so familiar with.

Don't worry Cloud, I won't. It took us forever to get rid of him to bring him back again for another go. I'm too tired of him to have the desire to drag him back from wherever he is.

So maybe I'll just set fire to the town myself.

The water tower is still there; and remember the inn Mr. Ishida ran? Its there on the corner, except now it belongs to a Mrs. Takenouchi. And her son is nowhere near as cute as Ben had been.

What a shame . . .

You want to know what really gave me the jitters, Cloud? There was a little girl in my house that looked like Aeris . . . she had a bow in her hair and these beautiful bright green, happy eyes just like our friend. And when she smiled at the little boy next door, she looked like our Cetra.

Yes Cloud, she was _our_ Cetra.

Whether you like it or not, she was my friend too.

Maybe you think we infected her with our presence; though I can assure I didn't do much of the damage. Maybe Yuffie or Cid did once in a while now that I think about it . . . She did blow her top once at the Gold Saucer, remember? I think that was the only time I ever heard her swear so venomously at someone.

Her face was all flushed and her eyes were like green hardened gems. The way her voice came out scared Cid, remember? His mouth was so wide by the time she was done that he totally forgot the cigarette that was hanging on for dear life between his lips.

The old days . . .

Back when Aeris was excited about our little "love triangle". She always _was_ a sucker for soap opera ordeals, wasn't she? Well . . . either way she won; I know that now.

Because when I look at you, I see it.

You miss her terribly. You want to rip open the world to find her in the bleeding wounds the wars left behind in it. I don't blame you though . . . she was a sweet thing. You two would've made a fine couple—better than you and me anyways.

Your children would've been prettier. Maybe light brown haired and blue eyed . . . or blonde with green eyes . . . either way they would've been beautiful; normal looking.

Now if _we_ had (by some strange twist of fate) gotten together, our children would only have a fifty-fifty chance at beauty. Maybe with my hair and your intense blue eyes . . . but they'd be screwed over if they got my red eyes and your blonde hair, don't you think? They'd look like demons.

Yes, little spawn of two messed up people.

Not that Vincent looks bad with red eyes. See, he can pull it off because he has black hair. That looks just fine. Heck, even better than fine. It's just _our_ story that's messed up . . . Well, _my_ half anyways.

But yeah . . . I see why you don't want me now.

* * *

_I'm freaking out that we've started breaking down_

_Before momentum picked up._

_Now all these doors are locked._

_The trees trick you 'cause they're always standing still._

_If time was really racing by,_

_You could see it when you drive.

* * *

_

It's raining. Hard.

I don't really care. I always did like the rain. Made me feel like the water was washing everything away. Sometimes I hope it'll take me with it, just to get over this.

No Cloud, I'm not suicidal.

Or maybe I am? I don't know anymore.

You know, when I first stepped into town, it was like time stopped all of a sudden. I could see Ben and Mik running around again, with me in the lead. And you, you helping your mom run errands as you watched me play.

Then I would wave at you and you would turn away, embarrassed at being caught staring. I would laugh, and then I'd run off with Ben trying to trip me and Mik chasing after us, and me yelling a goodbye to you and your mom.

I want to confess something to you Cloud.

I was jealous of you.

For a while, I hated you and every other kid in town. I hated you to the point of wanting to kill you all. Scared, Cloud? Yes well, that's what happens when you lose someone who anchored you to the world.

The day my mother died was horrible for me. I cried myself to sleep night after night and I couldn't stop. Everything seemed to blur together for a while afterwards.

I remember snippets of conversations, of random moments, of gestures that mean nothing now. Then after all of that, I remember a bridge.

It looked like in a dream to me; faded and rippling like water. I felt like I was being led to heaven, with blue skies and a bridge that seemed light and melted into the mists of the mountain.

You realize why I named the bar that now? Every time I saw the name up in lights, I could see that rickety bridge leading up to the mountain pass that would lead me to my mom.

Well, I walked there Cloud. I made it nearly to the edge of that bridge and I saw her standing there at the end, smiling at me. She raised her hands to me, beckoning me into one of her warm hugs. And that pretty sundress I admired on her? She had it on with a straw hat and her favorite sandals.

She didn't look like a normal woman to me then. She was like a princess, straight out of the books she and I had read together by the fireplace on cold Saturday afternoons.

So I ran to her.

I remember a loud snap and then I was falling away from her. But I wasn't afraid of falling. Honestly, that wasn't even on my mind. I just wanted to touch her, to reach her and feel her warmth around me, protecting me again.

But she was gone.

I remember crying out in despair as I fell. It ripped from my throat so harshly that it hurt down to my very core and for a moment I believed I had lost my voice for good on that mountain. Tears left my eyes then, floating upwards as I plummeted down to the bottom.

And then there was darkness.

* * *

_There's a rooftop deck where we still hang out,_

_A couple of bars where we're not allowed._

_The roller-skates that threw you on your face,_

_The park on the hill which was our only space._

_The fog is fast and it rolls right in_

_About the time I struck my first fifth of gin._

_I really don't mean to complain too much . . . _

_But this is turning me into quite the lush.

* * *

_

Vincent found me in the rain again today and gave me his cloak.

"_You should be inside." _He said. _"You'll get sick."_

Now why couldn't you be more like him?

Still, with that thought running through my head, I shrugged. I said something to him then that I don't remember now. I guess it was witty because he smiled from behind his collar.

Yes. I, Tifa Lockhart, had made Vincent Valentine, resident grouch (as Cait Sith calls him) smile.

But I wouldn't budge, so he took drastic measures and used his cloak against me. When he saw that I had wrapped myself tightly in it (I was cold but hadn't noticed until he pointed it out), he scooped me up and began walking.

He walked at a steady pace and wouldn't put me down no matter how much I protested. He didn't even bother to tell me to shut up.

Cloud, when was the last time you had carried me like this? Never? Oh, that doesn't surprise me . . . not in the least.

You _were_ always late after all.

I gave up then. I sighed and leaned into him, closing my eyes and letting my heart fall into a gentle rhythm with the beating of his. His breath was warm on my face and it lulled me into a light sleep.

I never realized how long my hair was until that moment because I felt it sway with the momentum of his graceful movements through the darkening streets. It was sopping wet and slapped up against his thigh, but he didn't seem to mind.

I murmured an apology then. Whether it was for him having to carry me or for my hair, I'm not sure. It came out sounding very sad though, and it broke through the rhythm of the rain.

I wanted to apologize again then for breaking into the nice silence that didn't need me. But I kept quiet and instead snuggled closer into his embrace for heat.

I didn't care that he was seeing me at my worst then.

I must've looked horrible to him. Yes Vincent Valentine, take pity on the poor soul who was once a strong fighter that can't even stand on her own feet anymore.

Sensei would be ashamed of me I think.

But it's all _your_ fault Cloud Strife.

You always _did_ manage to pick the worst time to come. You were always _late_. Even when it mattered. So maybe it _was_ your fault that Aeris died that day because you didn't do anything. But you know what? Then it was my fault too. Because I sat there like an idiot in shock as she was run through with a sword long enough to be a stick that should've run through me.

Yes, Cloud, you heard right.

I was the decoy. I was the girl that Rufus put in the torture chamber. I was the replacement that could fight back. And I was the one that should've kneeled there while you took her to a safer place.

I never did tell you what happened in the torture chamber, did I? Well guess what? I never will. Back then I wanted to tell you, but you never asked. Then again, neither did the rest of the group. But that's ok. I never expected you to ask anyways.

I'll just tell you that once in a while I have nightmares. Can you believe that Cloud? Me? Having _nightmares_?

I see Rufus smirking and soldiers turning knobs. I see a chamber with a chair that has iron clasps that bite into my wrists and ankles. I see smoke and blurry figures, and my mom standing in the corner, crying for me.

But I don't see you.

"_Tifa?"_

I feel salty tears and currents of pain shocking their way through my whole body. I feel my back arching in a jerk as I clench my jaw shut. I won't give them the pleasure of hearing me scream, Cloud, you hear me?! I **_WON'T_**!

"_Tifa listen to me!"_

His voice is urgent; it gives me an anchor to the world I'm trying to leave behind. Or is it an anchor from the world I'm trying not to fall into? I don't know if these iron clasps or his voice is real anymore.

"_Those days are gone, Tifa. They're just memories now! Wake up, or you'll . . ."_

I'll what Vincent? I'll _what_?!

Please, _tell_ me! I don't want to fall into the lifestream again. _Don't let me_! I couldn't stand it in there, I prefer going to _hell_ than falling there again, you heard me Vincent?! Please save me from it Vincent, I don't want to hear them again!

Those voices . . .

Oh my God, I can hear them already and they want me there, Vincent. They call my name and Shiva, I _feel_ their hands on my cold skin! Vincent _please_ save me from them! Vincent _please_! _VINCENT_!

"_I'm right here, Tifa! Tifa?! Tifa listen to me!"_

I was screaming then, Cloud. I was writhing in agony, flashes of the past running at lightspeed in my head and my senses overloaded with different feelings and yet I felt everything, Cloud. I felt it _all_.

I felt the electric currents from the torture chamber and my wet hair. I felt hot tears and the freezing touch of those people in the lifestream. I felt his claw and real hand shaking me, and I felt the bridge giving way beneath me.

And I felt your absence.

* * *

_I'm freaking out that we're running out of time,_

_But to do what?_

_Should I stop and think of that?_

_Is there something I could do to slow it down?_

_Live in a day for once_

_Instead of watch it screaming by.

* * *

_

I opened my eyes then, clutching tightly at Vincent and begging him to never leave me through a watery curtain of tears and hair. I cried into his shirt and trembled in a fear I hadn't felt since I lost everything in that fire.

And you know what? He didn't fade. He didn't shove me away in disgust, or try and shoot me, or tell me to shut up.

In fact, he actually pulled me closer. He rested his chin on my head as I shivered from cold and fear. He wrapped me in his long arms and slipped his real hand through my hair, stroking my scalp in a way that was soothing.

"_You're going to be okay, Tifa, because you're strong. Let it all out, **bleed** the poison out."_

Poison? Is that what you are Cloud?

Hmmm . . .

Yes, that's what you are. A sweet poison that I've been drinking in little sips. No, that's a lie. I drank you in greedy swallows.

And now I'm paying the consequences of loving you.

There.

Is that drama enough for your soap opera fetish, Aeris? I hope so because I'm sick of being everyone's entertainment hour. Hell, I even offer happy hour!

"_You have a fever."_

I looked up into his eyes as he held me, Cloud. And you know what I saw there? I saw worry . . . I saw worry for _me_. Not for the end of the world, not for the last Cetra, not for the people we were fighting for, and not even for me as a part of the whole of Avalanche.

_Me_.

I couldn't help but smile then at him through the last of my tears.

* * *

_You're a dandelion seed_

_That flies through the air_

_And lands randomly,_

_Then disappears.

* * *

_

He stayed with me all night.

I faded in and out of consciousness a couple times, but every time my eyes opened, he was there.

He wasn't like you.

Remember that time under the Highwind? I had to _ask_ you to stay with me. It was a wonder you hadn't gone away during the night and I wanted to savor that moment if only for one more second; for one small sip of that poison . . .

And you gave it to me.

But that's gone now and it's going to be okay.

You want to know why?

Because now I realize and I accept what's happening. I'm learning to swallow everything that you threw at me and take it in stride, one step at a time. And with Vincent sitting here, silently taking care of me, I realize I don't need you Cloud.

I let you become my anchor through the storm because you were the one constant in my life that never died, never changed. You were always the oddball out, remember? And you always were looking to the skies. I admired that in you. I wanted to look to the skies like you did and fight for something more when I had nothing left; so I fought for _you_.

You were the sky I could never reach, Cloud. You were the swingset chain that creaked and groaned, swinging back and forth from the momentum of someone getting up and leaving. And maybe I sound dramatic again, but there's no better way to explain it. This is how it was for me, and this is how I'll explain it to you.

There wasn't any "once upon a time" or "happily ever after" here. I won't be mushy or overly emotional about it. I'm simply telling you that I don't need you to be there for me anymore because let's face it, you never made it on time.

So now what?

* * *

_You're a dandelion seed_

_That flies through the air_

_And lands randomly,_

_Then disappears.

* * *

_

As I opened my eyes to the dawn of a new day, shivering in the cool room, I saw Vincent was still sitting on the edge of the bed, his eyes closed and his chin propped up on his chest as he sat against the backboard of the bed.

His cloak is still around me.

I sat up in bed and slowly shifted so that my head was in his lap. He didn't stir like I thought he would, but instead kept his breathing steady and calm. But now, looking back at it, I know that he was awake then, feeling what I was doing because when he finally did move, he wasn't surprised to feel my weight on him.

There was nothing romantic about all this though, Cloud.

It was just a man helping a woman in need. There was no kissing, no tender words, no sensual touch. It was just him sitting there, exhausted and yet stubbornly denying it with my head in his lap and his cloak wrapped securely around me.

It was just a comrade taking care of his friend, his claw holding a damp cloth that had long gone warm with the time and his real hand rested on my arched back.

What did she do to him, I wonder now? Is there any way that I could return the warmth he gave me on that cold night? What if I had gone alone for all that time? Would Nibelheim have claimed my life too?

I wouldn't have minded it in the beginning.

But now . . .

* * *

_I'm freaking out that we've started breaking down _

_Before momentum picked up. _

_Now all these doors are locked . . . _

_The trees trick you 'cause they're always standing still. _

_If time was really racing by, _

_You could see it when you drive.

* * *

_

I'll still be here when you decide to come back, Cloud.

No, don't feel sorry for me. I know what I'm doing now. And it's not you that I'm staying for . . . or maybe it is?

Well, either way, it's not for my selfish need to see you that I'll stay. I don't want to stay that way anymore, Cloud Strife.

But I'll stay for you anyway. I'll go and help rebuild what we helped tear down just to watch it all fall down again someday. For now it'll provide hope for some, repentance for others, and happiness for few.

As for me? It offers me a chance to kill time, to think of the other people that we helped save by mere chance. . . because let's face it. None of use were fighting for the world, were we?

We're just a bunch of selfish bastards.

Don't wince, you know it's true. And as pretty as that lie was, about us fighting for a better tomorrow, we know it was just the cover for our real purpose . . . or at least mine was. I wanted revenge, Cloud. I wanted it and I didn't give a single care who's blood I had to shed just to watch Sephiroth go down.

Do I scare you, Cloud Strife? You're not the only one with demons, you know. Some of us just know how to hide them better.

Yes Cloud, I wanted to drag him down to hell myself.

I even admit to stupidly trying it once, with Masamune in my hands and my father's blood fresh upon its blade. You told me you were there that night. So why didn't you help me?

Nevermind.

Enough of this.

I'm tired of these stupid little games of cat and mouse we constantly play, day after painfully sluggish day. So I'll drown myself in something other than you and everything you were for me. I'll find something eventually, you'll see.

I'll save myself from your poison, but that doesn't mean I won't stop drinking it. Because no matter what I do, I still love you. But I know now. I know you want Aeris, and that the promise we made was a weak little dream that should be left in the rubble of the past.

Just like almost everything else.

But you know what? There is _one thing_ you will never take away from me, Cloud Strife, no matter how much you kill me on the inside then or now or later. No matter how many wars happen, or people die by my account, or lives I save. . . there will always be something that I'll carry with me that no one can ever have.

Something that saved others from their nightmares, from hopelessness, and me from explanations. Something I carried with me, I realized, that will break only if I deem it so with a single yes or no. Something that seems to fade and then return, yet is always there subconsciously somewhere, hiding in my heart.

One day maybe you'll deserve it, Cloud. One day you might see it-_truly_ see it for what it was meant to say all those years ago. But not now. Maybe not ever . . . but it's always there, waiting for something to unlock it. To save it from shadows of oblivion, Cloud.

Because that's my smile.


End file.
